When junior refuses to go to school.
Wei Shan started her kindergarten in mid May this year. She'll be 4 this September. For the first week or so, she was practically crying everyday I dropped her off. On the third week, things seemed to have improved. She cried less. Then came the school holidays and she was off school for 2 whole weeks and she had a good time not going to school, so did I.
It has been tough on her. We speak to her in Mandarin at home but in school, they only speak English. So the communication was a bit of a barrier already and she could hardly understand what the teachers and school mates say, let alone follow the instructions. But at least she knows what to say when she wants to go to the washroom.
This will be the 4th week since school restarted and she still cries every morning when she wakes up, knowing that I will take her to school. She’ll say “Papa, don’t want school!” or “Mama, don’t want school! No school today!”. On two occasions, the teacher literally had to tear her away from me as she was holding on to me so tightly – much to the shock and horror of the other children and their parents.
We’ve tried explaining why she needs to go to school. We gave her encouragements, hugs, kisses and sometimes we got tired and frustrated with her constant whining we, scolded her. Poor thing.
Somehow she seemed to think that going to school is some sort of punishment. We used to send her to the baby sitter’s but she only cried occasionally. We even checked with the teachers on whether she was being bullied at school, fortunately that didn’t happen.
The dilemma – should I continue sending her there and she is forced to adapt? Or spare her the pain and send her elsewhere?
It has been tough on her. We speak to her in Mandarin at home but in school, they only speak English. So the communication was a bit of a barrier already and she could hardly understand what the teachers and school mates say, let alone follow the instructions. But at least she knows what to say when she wants to go to the washroom.
This will be the 4th week since school restarted and she still cries every morning when she wakes up, knowing that I will take her to school. She’ll say “Papa, don’t want school!” or “Mama, don’t want school! No school today!”. On two occasions, the teacher literally had to tear her away from me as she was holding on to me so tightly – much to the shock and horror of the other children and their parents.
We’ve tried explaining why she needs to go to school. We gave her encouragements, hugs, kisses and sometimes we got tired and frustrated with her constant whining we, scolded her. Poor thing.
Somehow she seemed to think that going to school is some sort of punishment. We used to send her to the baby sitter’s but she only cried occasionally. We even checked with the teachers on whether she was being bullied at school, fortunately that didn’t happen.
The dilemma – should I continue sending her there and she is forced to adapt? Or spare her the pain and send her elsewhere?
posted by Orion | 2:02 PM
7 Comments:
Being left in a totally new environment with strangers for an extended period of time is scary enough for a lil girl of this age. It brings, forcefully, to mind, all that the kid would likely have been taught about "stranger danger" and security.
Not being able to fully comprehend or communicate effectively with other 'stranger' kids and adults multiplies manifold the fear factors of 'strangers' and 'strangeness'.
Coming almost at the heels of the 'separation anxiety' phase, (re: James' post) it would certainly feel like abandonment: a precise countering of the sense of security "stranger danger" lessons aim at, in the first place.
I can only suggest you work to equip her at least, with the means of more effectie communication to mitigate her fear of the unknown.
I agree with Percolator. You can also try to stay with her for a little while in Kindergarden. Then, take her home after an hour or so. Next, when she feels okay, tell your kid that you will go for a little while, and come back VERY soon to build trust. Slowly extend the periods. This might take time.
What I can read here is that she is starting to build up a phobia for schools. Your kid currently gets scared of school, and will soon have fear just hearing the word school. And this is something that you might want to overcome.
May be you should also start to speak English to her, to ease her communications barriers.
Just some tips. But don't leave it as it is. Do something.
If the kindy allows you to do as what Andreas suggested re leaving her in kindy for just an hour, then slowly increasing the length of separation over the following days and weeks, that would be extremely helpful for your daughter.
My children started primary school just before they turned five. To ease the anxiety, what we did was to make friends with the other parents, then invited their kids home to play on weekends. The kids just loved coming to our house to play, so no problem there. This was very effective in helping my children break the ice with the other children and got them settled faster than they would otherwise have done.
Thanx for all your advice and kind words.
Putting her at the deep end may be a bit too much for now but to stop now is not a solution either. I will certainly try out all your suggestions. I do make it a point to speak to her in English. She is still the only child and probably used to our attention. Separation anxiety is definately one of the problems. According to the teachers she usually stops crying after I left the place. Come to think of it, she really loved it when we all first visited the school, didn't want to leave. But later she realized that my wife and I will not be around with her in school, she gets pretty upset.
BTW, the play group thing is a good suggestion. Will give it a try.
Aiyah I had this experience years ago when my son started kindy . It's just the same scenario you described. I remembered taking 1 week leave just to be at the kindy. Slowly I managed to ask him to join and play with all the other children. I took him like 2 weeks to overcome the problem.
If he did not see either the dad or the mum he could starter to cry and want to go home.
I think to attach to the parents might be the cause of this.
further more I sent him to a mandarin kindy where we at home only speaks English and BM.You can feel the uneasiness of him being uable to understand the language initially. Now after all these years that has passed I am proud to say both my kids can speak mandarin very well. (tri language).Did I make the right choice ?yes lo.
my brother was the same when he first attended kindy.. my mom had to stay by him for almost 2 weeks before she started leaving earlier.. as in stayed for an hour then left.. they will learn to bond with frens soon enough.. in the meantime, speak to ur daughter in english more.. language barrier is not much of a barrier for children as they pick up really quick =)
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